I decided to call this band meeting because I could no longer ignore the nagging feeling that we're spinning our wheels here. We've been at this for close to a year and we're getting nowhere. It's time to face the facts, gentlemen: Duluth, Minnesota does not need a Rush cover band. It just doesn't. There isn't an audience for 2112 here, no matter how good we are.
And we're not that good.
And even if we were we'd still be in a no win situation, and here's why: Anyone who comes to a 2112 gig is coming because they like Rush. And people who are into Rush are really into Rush, so if we just play shit like Tom Sawyer and Limelight they get pissed off.
But if we don't play the radio shit, if we don't play the hits, the odd chick who might be there, like, on accident will get bored and never come back again.
But then again, most chicks don't even know Rush's biggest songs because holy shit are chicks not into Rush.
Basically, the only audience we could ever hope to have are guys who dig Rush and tend to be completely snobby Rush dicks about digging Rush. Seriously, at any one of our shows, it's like seven or eight Rush fan equivalents of the "Worst. Episode. Ever" guy from The Simpsons yammering on about how I don't come close to having anything resembling Alex's licks (especially on anything pre-Permanent Waves) and how Kent couldn't even shine Neil's shoes. And that's it. And it's lamer than shit.
We've been together for 11 months. Not one of us has gotten laid yet. Hell, Kent actually went from getting laid to not getting laid while working in this band. He's getting negative ass because of this gig. Not that that's why any of us is in this band, but, come on, it kind of is. You don't join a band without that thought at least crossing your head every once in a while. But a Rush cover band? In Duluth? Holy Christ are we not getting laid. Hell, I'll bet the real Rush doesn't get fucking laid. Forgot about us.
Anyway, you get where I'm going with this, right? Am I making our situation clear? Does anyone else feel like this is kind of not working out for us?
Good.
OK, then.
So from here on out, can we all agree that 2112 is hereby officially finished playing Rush in front of an audience?
Good.
So we can all also agree that it's time for a radical new direction for us, and after much deliberation and soul searching I think I've got it.
You dickheads ready for this?
Here it is.
We come up with a sports anthem.
Plain and simple.
We write a sports anthem--some stupid, catchy piece of shit song that gets played at every major sporting event in North America, like what's that one, Dunh duh duuuh duh (HEY!) dunh duh duh; Dunh duh duuuh duh (HEY!) dunh duh duh, or Everybody Dance Now, or YMCA, or Whoomp, There it is or Celebration or everything the Black Eyed Peas has recorded since 2003. You know what I'm talking about. They play the same shitty ass songs at every sports event in the country. Why not ours? All we have to do is come up with something dumb but catchy, get it into rotation, negotiate a sweet royalties deal, and then count our money/ass.
It's so fucking simple. I don't know why we never thought of this before.
Check it out: Barry's dad knows a guy who works for--what's that semi-pro hockey team?--the Ice Hawks. Kent's brother works concessions for the Rockies' double A farm team. We've got the connections. We get those guys a copy of our song and get it played during their games, and once it catches on there, it's just going to spread. All we need now is the tune, and the crazy part is I think I think I've got it.
You ready?
You sitting down, motherfuckers?
Check it out.
Who Farted?
No. Like, that's the name of the song: Who Farted?
Seriously.
What's more universal than farts? What do the kids like more than farts? What's funnier than farts? It's the same answer for all three questions, limp dicks: Nothing.
Not really sure how the tune will go, but one thing I was thinking was we could just rework U Can't Touch This. Like Da da da da, da-da, da-da--Who farted? Da da da da, da-da, da-da--Who farted? Throw some verses together. Get some beats. Boom. Done. Pay me, bitch.
Seriously, how does that not take off? How does Who Farted not get our shit paid and laid? It doesn't. Like, not. It doesn't not do that.
Wait. Is that what I want to say? Yeah, it doesn't not do that. Which means it does do that. Because of the double negative. Right? I think. Anyway, my point is, it works, doesn't it?
Yes.
Yes, it does.
So then it's decided? Fantastic.
Now, what do you say we celebrate with a few cupcakes?
Cupcakes!
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