Dear Steve,
I read the news today, oh boy.
All I can say is congratulations.
It's another historical coup for Apple and iTunes.
People finally have the opportunity to purchase the entire Beatles catalog yet again.
Whoopity fucking do.
Here comes the fucking sun.
Yay, iTunes.
For the first time ever, people the world over can pay to download a bunch of shit they probably already have.
The Beatles + iTunes.
The two most overexposed commercial entities in history.
Together at last.
Twist and shout for the overhyped, overrated synergasm of a lifetime.
Tell me, Steve: Shall I suck your dick now, or shall I pay to have Sgt. Pepper in yet another fucking format first?
God, I can't wait to see the inevitable self-congratulatory TV ads showing all those iconic Beatles pictures and playing snippets from all those iconic Beatles songs so we can all feel so fucking good about ourselves for being lucky enough to be alive during The Time of The Beatles and iTunes.
Yippee.
More of the Fab Four.
Just when I thought the world had finally gotten over the Beatles and gotten on with their lives, it turns out I'm wrong again because now iTunes is going to cram it all down our throats yet again.
OK.
We get it.
The Beatles were big. They changed everything. They had a bunch of hits and a bunch of classic albums.
But it all went down about 40 years ago.
Let's move the fuck on.
Can we? Can we please move the fuck on?
Because let me let you in on a little secret. You ready?
They weren't that good.
I'm sorry, but they just weren't.
I am the Eggman? I am the Walrus? Really? Hell, my two-year-old could write better lyrics than that. And I don't even have a two-year-old.
All You Need is Love? Actually, no it isn't. You need money. And food. And a bunch of other shit.
Love, Love Me Do? How about suck, suck me dick?
We All Live in a Yellow Submarine? We do? Really? Fuck you.
Strawberry Fields Forever? Horrible.
And on and on and on.
And they weren't even that cool as people. Them with their mop tops and their dorky ass clothes.
John? Smugger than hell.
Paul? Actually not that cute.
George? Mystical? Not really. Just quiet and mopey, and that's not the same thing.
And Ringo? Don't get me started on that big-eared twat. What would I do if you sang out of tune--would I stand up and walk out on you? Yes. Fuck yes. Every goddamn time.
Man, I hate that guy. I mean, I hate them all, but especially him.
And yet, here we are nursing hard ons because their music is finally available for download on iTunes.
Great.
Super.
Lucky us.
OK yeah, fine, I admit it. They had a good run. The 60s were good to them, and they did quite well. But it couldn't have lasted forever. They broke up too early. They broke up before they had a chance to jump the shark. Honestly, if you think about it, the best thing that ever happened to those guys?
Yoko Ono.
Seriously, Yoko Ono.
Check it out.
If Yoko doesn't come along and split those guys up, they stay together past their prime, slip into mediocrity, release some crap albums, and taint their legacy.
But no.
She broke them up at the exact right time. They went out on top. And thus, legacy intact.
Dammit.
And then 40 years later, in you came to make your precious little company seem that much cooler and with it and hip for being able to sell a bunch of songs that everybody already has. Good for you, Mr. Jobs. You did it again! Congratulations on setting yourself up to make a shit ton of money while perpetuating the myth of the most bloated and overrated band in the history of the world.
Yay, Apple!
Yay, Beatles!
Kiss my ass. There's your goddamn revolution.
Sincerely,
Pete Best
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment