November 16 - A Word of Warning to the Generation of Males Who Are Currently Being Born at About the Same Time as My Daughter

I know most of you are way too young to be able to understand language, much less read.
I know a lot of you haven't even been born yet.
But this is a message for you anyway, and I hope someday when the time comes that you can understand it, you will save us both a lot of trouble and listen to what I have to say.
Ready?
Here it goes.
Stay.
The fuck.
Away from my daughter.
There.
Consider yourselves warned.
No touches, no gropes, no buying of drinks, no bullshit, no flirting, no looks.
Not with my daughter.
Don't even think about it.
You might think I'm an overprotective father?
I might think I don't a fuck what you think.
You and your douchebag styles, your Justin Timberlake hat, your soft ass earrings, and your dorky ass man purses?
Listen.
If I see you with those accessories around my daughter, I'll take them away from you, make a weapon with them, and beat your ass with it until you cry for your mommy and daddy.
And then when they come, so help me, I will beat your daddy the same way.
But not your mom.
No, not your mom, for I--unlike you, you fuck--am a gentleman. And even though your mom clearly did a shite ass job of raising you--this much is clear to me from the fact that you're even thinking about going after my daughter--she's still a woman and thus deserving of my respect.
But you? You presumptuous, cocky, disrespectful piece of shit? If you so much as think about thinking about putting the moves on my daughter in some bar, some hot, crowded place where there's alcohol, smoke, loud music, dim lighting, people who think they're cool, and what you delude yourself into hoping will be loose morals, know this, fuckwad: I will track you down and punish you for even thinking of my daughter in that way.
Understand this:
You're not cool.
You're not funny.
You're not smart.
You're not handsome.
You're not original.
You can't dance.
Your jokes suck.
You dress like an absolute asshole.
Your hair is a joke.
Everything about you radiates incompetence, idiocy, and unworthiness, and my daughter would never in a million years go for an asshole like you, so save us all the trouble and keep the fuck walking.
But if the doctor is wrong, and my wife and I are actually having a son instead of a daughter, you guys should totally hang out sometime.