January 1 - New Year's Resolutions for 2011

1. This year I resolve to kick someone out of bed for eating crackers.
2. I resolve to put the sin back in synergy.
3. No more flashing devil's horns and yelling, "Wok & Woll!"when they bring me my food at Chinese restaurants.
4. I resolve to stop crashing tea parties in my Obama mask and Chippendale's uniform.
5. No more rhyming . . . and I mean it!
6. Anybody want a peanut?
7. This year I'm going to figure out a way to literally tickle someone's fancy.
8. I will limit my peeing in the shower to times when I am already taking a shower.
9. This year I will make it through the holiday season without asking so much as one midget if he/she is one of Santa's elves.
10. This year I resolve to think outside the bun.
11. I will whistle while I work, as well as while I wank.
12. Straight up laughter might be impossible, but I resolve to at least giggle in the face of danger.
13. This year I resolve to write checks with my ego that my body can't cash.
14. I resolve to stop yelling "Fuck her, I did!" unless I did and they should.
15. I will stop rolling my eyes whenever I tell other parents their baby is cute.
16. Everybody is familiar with nail polish. This year: male polish!
17. I will stop making Wikileaks jokes every time I get up to use the bathroom at work.
18. No more passive aggressive cleaning of the house.
19. On a related note, I resolve to stop passive aggressively asking for permission. Is that OK with you?
20. I will learn to be OK with the fact that sometimes I get aroused by a J-pop singer who, on closer inspection, is actually a really pretty guy.
21. I resolve to be as smug as humanly possible when I dismiss the "I'm so busy!" complaints of my friends who don't have children.
22. At least once this year I will pack myself a couple of knuckle sandwiches and go cruisin' for a bruisin'.
23. As far as I can tell, there are no religions that forbid the eating of chicken. This year I will rectify that situation.
24. I will also manage to say "rectify" without giggling.
25. I promise to start doing that thing again where I dress up like a mime, start doing a routine in public, and then as soon as I've got a nice little crowd, suddenly start screaming and cursing at everybody in Russian.
26. This year I will graduate from MILFs to GILFs.
27. I resolve to stop telling new moms that they're not eating for two anymore.
28. During the holiday season I will manage to ask younger women if they've been naughty or nice without sounding totally creepy.
29. I will figure out a way to call someone "friend" without it having a menacing undertone.
30. I resolve to stop carrying around a rooster and telling people to say hello to my cock.
31. I resolve to stop talking shit about people behind their backs, even though I'm sure those no good fuck balls in accounting would never deign to do the same in return.
32. This year I will get off my ass and write a reply song to Cee Lo.
33. I will manage to have a conversation that's not about my daughter, work, or the weather.
34. I resolve to stop asking the guy in the next urinal if he could zip me up.
35. I promise to stop pretending to be asleep when I hear the baby cry/poop.
36. I will finally get around to producing The Orifice, my porn parody of The Office.
37. I resolve to stop quoting Wayne's World and other comedies from the 90s--Not!
38. This year I will start a podcast and call it Nothing but Dog Whistles.
39. This year I will take my talents to South Beach . . . if you catch my drift.
40. At some point this year, I will take candy from a baby, shoot fish in a barrel, and go on a cake walk, and then brag about what an easy afternoon I've had.
41. I will stop monopolizing all the "Free hugs" people's time.
42. Bargain hunting is so cruel. This year I'm going to focus more on bargain gathering.
43. I resolve to stop asking attractive women in restaurants if they'd like me to butter their muffin.
44. I will cut down on my use of "finger quotes" by at least 50%.
45. This year I will start a Twitter feed for Luddites.
46. I resolve to stop using the words sinful and/or decadent when describing desserts, especially when I'm hanging around a construction site.
47. I will stop threatening to "skull fuck" my brother-in-law, because we both know I'm never actually going to do it, and threatening to do so always makes Thanksgiving really awkward (albeit memorable).
48. I resolve to stop flirting with widows.
49. I will stop wearing my Michael Vick jersey when I volunteer at the humane center.
50. No more doing that Marilyn Monroe Happy Birthday Mr. President shtick to my co-workers unless it's their birthday.
51. This year, I will dress like a leprechaun only on St. Patrick's Day.
52. And during Celtics' playoff games.
53. And when I'm hosting a Leprechaun movie marathon.
54. And when I'm eating Lucky Charms.
55. This year will see the end of my prefacing juicy tidbits of gossip by saying, "spoiler alert."
56. It will also see the end of my using the following words in the following order: juicy tidbits of gossip.
57. Fuck it. This year I will start smoking.
58. It's been said that you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends' noses. Well this year, I'm going to prove the doubters wrong.