January 1 - New Year's Resolutions of an English Teacher Living in Tokyo

1. This year I will be a more caring and compassionate teacher.
2. No more screwing around. This year: five new Japanese words every day!
3. This year I'm going to shed 10 pounds--and keep it off! (LOL!)
4. This year I'm going to stop adding, "in bed" and giggling every time someone reads their fortune cookie fortune.
5. I resolve to stop crying after sex.
6. I promise to stop peeing in the onsen, or to at least wait until I'm actually in the onsen before I pee in it.
7. I resolve to stop going to sumo matches and yelling, "Let's go, fatty-san!"
8. No more sitting on the laps of strangers on the subway, rubbing my face against their chests, and purring like a kitty kat.
9. I resolve to stop yawning and making wanking gestures during my students' presentations.
10. I promise to stop nudging my nephew and saying, "There's one for the old wank bank" every time an attractive woman walks by.
11. I resolve to stop using my baby talk voice when asking sleeping subway passengers, "Ooh, is somebody sweepy? Is it time for a nappy poo?"
12. I promise to stop dressing up like Jesus, visiting Buddhist temples, and telling all the non-believers that they're going to burn in hell.
13. No more referring to myself as "the other other white meat."
14. I promise to stop telling my beginning students that "whatever, dickweed" is a perfectly appropriate response to "thank you."
15. I resolve to accept the fact that the kabuki experience is not enhanced by Rocky Horror-style audience participation.
16. This year I will return Bonnie Raitt's phone calls, and together we will give them something to talk about.
17. I will use the phrase "hot stuff coming through" only when there actually is hot stuff and it is, in fact, coming through.
18. I resolve to stop "cornholing" the elderly and infirm.
19. No more ending my lessons with "Sayonara, suckers!" or entering the classroom to Hot For Teacher, Sexy MF, Rock 'n' Roll Part 2, or Back in Black.
20. I hereby resolve to stop getting drunk at karaoke and serenading my boss and co-workers with I Wanna Sex You Up.
21. This year, I'm going to get to the bottom of this whole Twitter thing.
22. I will stop drawing pictures of a sweaty and topless Wonder Woman and then masturbating to them.
23. I will stop giggling and repeating the following words every time I hear them: wood, staff, rod, pork, hard, enter, ball, insert, package, hole, cavity, meat, and finger.
24. This year will see the end of me referring to my bedroom as "the muscle dojo."
25. During the holidays, I will refrain from referring to my penis as "Bad Santa."
26. I resolve to stop shrieking, "SNAKES ON A PLANE!! SNAKES ON A PLANE!!" during the flight attendants' pre-flight safety demonstrations.
27. Later on, as the flight attendants are delivering peanuts and drinks, I resolve to stop saying, "Mmm, snacks on a plane."
28. As often as possible, I shall stroke it to the east, stroke it to the west, and stroke it with the woman that I love the best.
29. No more idle threats. This year I really am going to open a big old can of whoop ass on you.
30. I will never again back down from an opportunity to get retarded in here.
31. I will wear a bow tie only when I am also wearing a shirt.
32. I resolve to stop getting in the faces of crying children and sneering, "put a smile on it."
33. I promise to stop putting on make-up on the train or at least to stop putting it on strangers.
34. I will keep a straight face when complimenting people. If that's not possible, I will refrain from using my fingers as quotation marks when I am giving them their "compliments."
35. This year, at every opportunity I get, I am not going to just push it. I'm going to push it real good.
36. This year, as the Mattress King of Tokyo, I will not be undersold.