October 7 - Captain, No!

"What would you say is your favorite appetizer?" Pappenfus asked.
The captain thought about it a moment. "Pigs in a blanket. No, wait. Chicken fingers."
Pappenfus's assistant piped in. "What's the deal with that name anyway? Chicken fingers. I don't know about you guys, but I don't think I've ever seen a chicken that had fingers! Am I right or what?"
"Not now, Jensen."
"Sorry, sir."
"Anyway, appetizers. You--"
"I'm a big fan of potato skins too," added the captain.
"Very good, sir. As I was saying, appetizers. Sure, you may not order them every time you go to a restaurant, but have you ever actually said no to an appetizer? Think about it. In your entire life, when have these words ever come out of your mouth: No, I do not want a bite of that appetizer. Never, right?"
The officers who were there with the captain shrugged their agreement.
"I also like spinach artichoke dip."
"Of course you do, captain. Who doesn't? Which is exactly why we at Pappenfus Industries believe that appetizers are the perfect device for stopping and immobilizing perpetrators."
Sensing that Pappenfus was getting to the meat of the matter, the officers leaned in.
Pappenfus pulled the cloth off of a tray full of fried mozzarella sticks, egg rolls, and popcorn shrimp.
"Everybody knows these delicious snacks as appetizers. Some clever eateries also call them appeteasers. Gentlemen, I give you the next generation of suspect suppression technology. The appetaser."
Pappenfus paused a beat to let the men soak it in.
"When someone is causing a disorder, threatening violence, about to trigger an ugly incident, all you have to do is get his attention long enough to offer him an appetaser."
He motioned to the tray.
"Sure they may look like regular appetizers, but they work just like a taser. Each one of these appetasers delivers a debilitating electrical charge straight to the perp's cortex that will leave him incapacitated for 10 minutes without causing any permanent damage. Plenty of time to detain him, remove him from the equation, and prevent a nasty incident."
"Appetasers--arrestingly delicious."
"Jensen, please."
"Sorry, sir."
"Yes, sergeant. You have a question?"
"The whole idea of a taser is to immobilize a troublemaker. If we can get an agitator's attention long enough to get him to eat one of your . . . "
"Appetasers."
"Whatever. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of having the things in the first place?"
"No at all," Pappenfus said. "You see--Captain, no!"
It was too late. The captain had bitten into one of the mozzarella sticks and was thrown out of his chair.
"He'll be fine," Pappenfus said. "Just give him some time."
When he came to 10 minutes later, Pappenfus was telling the other officers about some of his company's other products including the bathroom sanitaser, lawn fertiltaser, and bite sized taser tots, which looked delicious. Before anyone could stop him, the captain had reached up, grabbed one, and put it in his mouth.
"Captain, no!"