8:02 pm The good news: I don't think anything is broken. The bad news: I can't move. I'm trapped under this damned vending machine. More bad news: I'm pretty sure nobody's coming here until tomorrow morning. The other bad news: For some reason, somebody left Celine Dion's A New Day: Live in Las Vegas in the DVD player.
This is not good.
This could be a long night.
8:03 pm Celine Dion all night long? It could be worse.
8:04 pm Couldn't it?
8:17 pm You know how many albums Celine Dion has sold? Neither do I, but her initials are CD. That can't be a coincidence.
8:19 pm What amazes me about this is how many of her songs I actually recognize on this DVD. Shit, I know her back catalog better than that of groups I actually like. Jesus.
8:37 pm She's now surrounded by topless white dudes and a black guy in a not at all racist/dehumanizing bellhop uniform. Who the hell does she think she is, Madonna?
9:14 pm I came so freaking close to taking a piss before I came in here. How much you want to bet I'm going to regret that one before the night's through?
9:21 pm Really, Celine? Air guitar?
9:44 pm OK, I have officially seen Celine Dion's A New Day: Live in Las Vegas. Silly me. I kind of thought I would make it through today without being able to say that.
9:47 pm By the time someone comes in here again and starts getting me out from underneath this damned Dr. Pepper machine, I will have seen this concert at least six or seven times.
9:48 pm Why the hell did I think that shaking this machine would cause it to give me my money back? What the hell was I thinking?
10:42 pm I could eat.
10:43 pm And pee.
10:44 pm There's no way in hell Celine Dion craps. She's too . . . perfect. No freaking way she pulls down her pants parks her ass on a toilet and goes for it. No way. No, what happens is angels descend from the heavens and make it disappear while she sleeps. Celine Dion defecating? Yeah, right.
11:18 pm That is without a doubt the biggest stage I've ever seen in my life. You could play baseball on that thing. And so many dancers. The dancers could play baseball on the stadium. And the rest of them could be the fans and ball boys and what not.
11:19 pm He he. Ball boys.
11:20 pm Wait a minute. What the fuck do you need so many fucking dancers for?! Tell one of them to stop prancing around and call the police and get me out of here!
11:52 pm Maybe the power will magically cut off at midnight.
12:00 am Nope.
12:34 am Hey, look at the time! It's 12:34 and 56 seconds!
12:35 am I'm so freaking tired. And yet, who could sleep when Celine is butchering Cyndi Lauper?
1:34 am Look at her on that big screen basking in the applause, addressing her minions. She is otherworldly. She is the next step in evolution. She could control the galaxy if she put her mind to it. She should just retire from singing and begin a new career as an omnipotent deity of some sort.
2:12 am Well, I just peed my pants for the first time since I was a toddler.
2:13 am OK, since I was a college student.
3:02 am Holy fucking Canadian bacon, Batman! How many dancers does a fucking diva need? How can she afford to pay them all? This is starting to stress me out.
3:14 am Hey son, how did your audition go for being a dancer with the Celine Dion show? On second thought, I don't care. You're a disappointment either way.
3:34 am I hate her.
3:35 am I hate her fans, too. Look at all those dickless boyfriends in the audience pretending to enjoy themselves. It won't matter! You'll never get laid! Never!
3:36 am Oh yeah, take off that jacket, Celine. Slower, slower.
3:37 am In fairness, she does have a pretty decent figure. But maybe that's just the trapped-under-a-Dr.-Pepper-machine-for-the-last-eight-hours talking. Shit, trap a guy under a Dr. Pepper machine long enough and he'll find any woman attractive.
3:38 am Call me crazy, but I wouldn't turn down Penny Marshall at this point.
4:13 am Every time a fan sheds a tear at this concert, Iggy Pop ages one day.
4:42 am SHUT UP!! For the love of God and all that is holy, shut up so I can sleep!
4:56 am Hey, look at me! I'm bilingual! I can suck in English and French!
5:14 am OK, so this song is, like, gospel or something. And it kind of doesn't suck. I really don't want to like this, but I do. I like a Celine Dion song. What the hell does that mean? I haven't felt this conflicted since that time I was checking out that chick's ass and then she turned around and it was a dude.
5:23 am I wonder what she's really like. Maybe she's actually nice. I mean, do you ever hear diva stories about her? I don't think you do. In fact, the only anecdote I can really think of about her as a person was that she was really nice and gracious to Elliott Smith when they were both performing Best Original Song nominations at the Oscars. And she didn't have to do that. Maybe I've been too hard on her all these years.
5:26 am Am I starting to like Celine Dion?
5:57 am The morning shift should be here any minute.
5:58 am Oh please, don't let them come in now. Not until after she nails the big note on My Heart Will Go On.
5:59 am If I hate that song so much, why has it choked me up every time I've heard it tonight?
6:00 am Oh thank God, there's the door. Thank God, they're here. God I wish I could move my arms so I could wipe away these tears.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
did you write this while M made you sit through it?? i hope so, cuz you know waaaaay too many details about this DVD....
ReplyDelete