October 3 - The Penis Thief

"Hey! Help! Somebody stop that guy! Somebody stop him!"
Nobody moves.
"He's got my penis!"
Nobody does anything. They're all waiting for someone else to step in. The crowd on the platform parts for the penis thief and he runs through them.
"Officer! You have to help me. He's got my penis! I saw him running toward the elevator. If you call ahead you can still get him before he gets out of the station!"
"OK," he says. "Slow down, slow down. Who's got your penis? What's he look like?"
"He's um, he's about my height. Black suit--"
"Like a ninja?"
"Wh--? No, not like a ninja. Like a business suit. White shirt, no tie. And a mask! Like a burglar's mask. Like, you know, the Hamburglar?"
Writing it down in his notebook. Bored. "OK. And he's got your penis, you say?"
"Yes! Please, just hurry! You can still get him before he gets out of the station."
Turns around and speaks into his walkie talkie.
"What's your name, sir?"
"Gary. Gary Dinkins."
Turns around and speaks into his walkie talkie some more.
"He get anything else of yours? Wallet? Briefcase? Anything?"
"No, just the penis. Please!"
"Was it a mugging? Did he take it by force?"
"No, he--It fell out of my bag. I was sleeping and it must have fallen out of my bag. He picked it up and I thought he was going to hand it to me, but then he pushed me back down into my seat and made a run for it."
Writes it down.
"Look. Officer, please. He's still close. I'm sure you can get him if you just hurry."
"Just a few more questions. He was wearing the--what do you call it?--Hamburglar mask at the time he took your penis?"
"Yeah."
"OK, and did he say anything to you?"
"No. He just grabbed my penis, pushed me down, and ran."
"OK," he says, clicking his pen shut. "Let me tell you how these things usually play themselves out. This guy's probably going to take your penis for a little joyride, and then it'll probably turn up behind some dumpster or in an old hotel room or something in a couple of days. I assume it's registered in your name?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah, and then it'll probably get returned to you a couple weeks later. Maybe a little worse for the wear, but no major damage--although I would get it checked out just to be on the safe side."
"But officer, he just left. He's probably right upstairs. He couldn't have gotten far."
Shakes his head. He's done with it.
"Let it go."
By now another train has come and gone on the platform. Minutes have passed. All the people who'd witnessed the commotion are long gone. The penis could be anywhere.
The officer puts his notebook away and then looks at the guy.
"Ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Does it hurt? You know, the procedure?"
Thinks a bit.
"It's not too bad."
Nods.
"Girlfriend's idea?"
Looks down at the floor as if the answer is there.
"Yeah."
Nods again.
"Yeah, my wife wanted me to get it done, too."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"And?"
Snorts laughter through his nose.
"You kidding?"
Shoulders slump.
"Anyway, we're done here. Keep your chin up, Mr. Dinkins. You'll get yours back."
Nods, still looking at the floor.
"And I'm not suggesting this is your fault or anything, but I might suggest that next time you just keep it attached, you know, if you're just going to work or whatever."
Nods again.
"You gonna be all right?"
Nods again.
"Yeah."
"All right. You take care, sir."
"Thanks."
The officer leaves and Gary starts practicing the phone call to his girlfriend, the one where he tells her he's lost track of his penis again.