July 9 - An Appeal From Your Asshole

I realize I'm probably the last, um, thing you expected to hear from, but there's something that has been gnawing at me for, well, for as long as I can remember. And I can't put this off anymore.
First off, let me tell you where I'm coming from so you don't think I'm getting too big for my britches (or yours for that matter). I'm an asshole. I know it. You know it. What this means is that I almost certainly have the shittiest job on the planet. It all comes through me, Jack. Every last bit of it. And sparing you all the gory details, I've dealt with some nasty ass shit in my day--and without complaint, I should add. Not like certain other body parts I could mention (I'm looking at you, stomach. It's no accident that another word for complain is bellyache.).
Point is, I'm the backdoor, the end of the line. As such, I put up with a lot of shit. And I like to think that I do so with integrity and dignity. But do you appreciate me for this? Do you sing my praises?
No. No, you do not.
And if a lack of appreciation were my only concern, I could live with it. But it's not. No, what's got me perennially down in the dumps is this habit you have of using my good name as a catch-all insult, epithet, and put-down for anyone you don't like. Anyone who is rude, offensive or grating is an asshole. The same goes for people who cut you off in traffic, answer their cell phone during a movie, smoke in public, let you down, piss you off, or wrong you in any way: They're all assholes.
If you'll forgive me for being blunt, what the fuck is up with that? When did I become the bad guy? What I have done to deserve these associations? How did it come to pass that my name became synonymous with all the wrongdoers of the world?
My being the portal through which every speck of your shit passes is not ignominious enough for you. On top of that, you use my name to describe every person in the world that bothers you in any way. Let me give you a partial list of who you called an asshole just today: Rush Limbaugh, Lebron James, Dick Cheney, your brother-in-law, your boss, your ex-girlfriend, her current boyfriend, the cashier at Fred Meyer, the postman, the neighbor's dog, the guy who was driving behind you, the dead batteries in the remote control, everyone from BP, and too many people on commercials to even count.
Do you have any idea how much it hurts and demeans me when you call these creeps assholes? If you did, I'd like to think you would stop, that you would find some other invective to hurl at whomever it is that's wronged you. What's wrong? You don't have any other names to call them? Then let me suggest a few: Shithead, jerk, moron, twit, jackass, buffoon, idiot, and horse fucker.
Actually, I rather like horse fucker. And yeah, sure, there might be some actual horse fuckers out there who wouldn't take too kindly to having every offending jerk head out there be compared to them, but you know something? They should have thought about that before they started fucking all those horses. Besides, fucking horses is something they have (at least some degree of) control over. All they have to do is stop fucking horses and that will unburden them from the oppressive yolk of being the namesake for all that is worthy of contempt in this world.
I, on the other hand, don't have that ability, nor do I want it. You may find this hard to believe, but I'm proud to be an asshole. It is a badge I wear with honor. And I dream of the day when my name is no longer tossed around with such bitterness and disdain, and instead used to describe any noble person who can be relied upon to do an unappealing job without complaint. I dream that someday the garbage men, ditch diggers, toll booth attendants, and meter maids of the world will all stand proudly and loudly proclaim, "We are assholes."
But until that day comes, I implore you to simply show your asshole more respect. Stop using my name as an insult.
And also, some of that Charmin Sensitive that's infused with the aloe lotion wouldn't go unappreciated.