Look at the guy from the Old Spice commercial.
Now look at me.
Back at him.
Which one would you rather bang?
The Old Spice guy, right? Yeah, I wonder if you and my girlfriend have anything else in common. Not only would she rather bang him, she does bang him. She's probably banging him right at this very moment.
And everybody knows.
Everybody I know knows that my girlfriend is getting banged nine different ways til Tuesday by that jacked, suave, hilarious dude in the Old Spice commercials. And not one person thinks any worse of her for it. Incredibly, that goes for me too.
Yeah, that's right. I get it. I'm not happy about it, but I really can't hold it against her. What's not to dig about that guy? I'm no homo or anything, but who are we kidding? That dude's a piece of ass. Jesus, those pecs? Those biceps? Those abs? And you just know he's packing some incredible heat under the hood. You can tell. I mean, you don't have that kind of swagger unless you can back it up. And he can. Just ask my girlfriend--you know, the one who is getting railed silly by that handsome, handsome man.
The hell of it is that not only does he blow me out of the water in the looks department, but he's also way freaking funnier than me. And more charming. That character he plays in the commercials? That's not a character. That's really what he's like. Dude's always on. And apparently allergic to shirts because he never wears one.
Oh, and you know that now I'm on a horse, now I'm holding tickets to that thing you like, now they're diamonds stuff he does in the ad? Way more impressive in real life. He comes walking out of our kitchen all, "Now I'm finishing your last beer. Look closer. Now it's your iPhone. It's dialing your sister. Now she's here giving me a rubdown." And my girlfriend's there laughing her ass off. How am I supposed to compete with that?
I can't.
And everybody knows it, just like everybody knows he's just destroying her ass on a nightly basis. My female friends? Jealous. They don't even bother trying to hide it.
My dude friends? Basically the same thing. They're like, dude, that's fucking awesome. He's cool as shit. And there's a total disconnect. They don't get that it's not like he and my girlfriend are co-workers or something. They're screwing. I remind them of this, but all they can do is tell me about the time he was like, "It's an ashtray. Now it's a pitcher of beer."
At least my mom tried to sound sympathetic, but as she was hanging up, I overheard her laughing and saying, "Now, I'm on a boat."
Yeah, it's a crap situation when your girlfriend is banging the most popular guy in the world. But at least now that she's talked me into using the Old Spice body wash, I can smell like him. So there's that.
Let's try this out.
Look at me.
Now look at the Old Spice Guy.
Back at me.
No, really. Look at me!
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