July 20 - Calamity Pain

Nobody knew her real name, but most people in DEPARRTED knew her as Calamity Pain.
aka Big Bad Mama.
aka Alabama Thunderpussy.
aka Ripley.
aka the Thresher.
She was the bestest, baddest, hardest, and meanest killer in DEPARRTED (Detroit's Elite Paintball Assassination Round Robin Tournament for Every Deviant), Detroit's premier underground paintball war game. Boasting an unfuckwithable kill rating of 21.07, Calamity Pain was the most formidable foe, the most ruthless assassin, the most resourceful killer ever to take part in DEPARRTED.
Not only did no one know her true identity, but nobody even knew what she really looked like. Her greatest asset was her seemingly limitless collection of costumes, disguises, wigs, prosthetics, and make-up, which, rumor had it, she had inherited from her great uncle who was the head of wardrobe for MoTerror City Studios, Detroit's B movie factory that pumped out ultra cheap exploitation flicks of every variety in the late 60s and early 70s: Cannibal Gyno!; This Little Piggy Went to Hell; Como Se Dice 'Vengeance, Pendejo; Santa Claws; and Fist Full of Wampum, were among MoTerror City Studio's most notorious hits.
Because of her inexhaustible supply of costumes, nobody knew how, when, or where Calamity Pain was going to strike. She could be your waitress, your UPS delivery person, your dental hygienist, your taxi driver, your masseuse. There wasn't an identity that Calamity Pain hadn't co opted to get close to a target.
When she fell pregnant, a lot of people thought motherhood would slow her down.
Wrong.
She just incorporated her baby daughter into her revolving/evolving collection of personas and aliases: the doting grandmother, the Colombian au pere, the hot fitness mama. These were just a few of her updated identities, each coming with an innovative paint dispensing weapon. The breast pump pistol, the safety pin blowgun, and the baby bottle spray can were among the sneakier additions to her arsenal.
Although a few members of DEPARRTED cried foul and endangerment of a minor, those voices never gained traction. Part of DEPARRTED's allure was that it was one of the few underground paintball circuits left in the country that still stayed true to paintball's no rules ethos. Even as they were being picked off methodically by Calamity Pain, just about everyone in DEPARRTED had a grudging respect for her.
In recent years, Calamity Pain has been conspicuously absent from DEPARRTED. Some say she's retired. Others insist she's grooming her daughter to take over the family business. Still others say she's relocated to Sao Paulo to use her formidable talents in South America's biggest citywide paintball assassination tournament.
Nobody knows for sure.
But her ghost is alive and well in Detroit. Not a week goes by that a pizza delivery person, meter maid, or panhandler isn't mistaken for Calamity Pain and pelted with a barrage of paintballs.
And every time it happens, the shooter in question insists he or she can feel the presence of Calamity Pain just around the corner, laughing at them, but they never find her.