March 3 - The Ups and Downs of Flight

On the flight that's about to take off you have 1) an aisle seat 2) in an emergency row 3) with nobody sitting next to you or in the window seat. (Whoo hoo!)
However, moments before the gates close, another group of passengers boards and they're making their way toward your aisle. (D'oh!)
And yet, none of them takes the seat next to you. (Whoo hoo!)
Except that just when you're about to spread your things out across your three seats, one more couple--Russian by the looks of them--boards the plane and stops at your row. The heavyset man who smells of sweat and boiled potatoes sits next to you while his (smoking hot) wife takes the window seat. (D'oh!)
But then just before take off they switch seats because he seems to want the window seat, which clearly annoys her. You infer this by the way she looks at you and smiles just as subtly as she rolls her eyes and her leg brushes against yours. (Whoo hoo!)
About 20 minutes into the flight her husband falls asleep while she orders a double vodka and starts talking to you, and you quickly become convinced that she had to have been at least the first runner-up in the Sexiest Accent in the World Pageant (Whoo hoo!) and without question the first prize winner of the Miss Bad Breath Contest. (D'oh!)
Through your conversation, you learn that the man next to her is not her husband (Whoo hoo!) but her boyfriend (D'oh!), and they're probably going to break up soon (Whoo hoo!) because she's pretty sure she's a lesbian. (D'oh!/Whoo hoo!)
As she tears into the next of what you are sure will be several vodkas, she warns you with a wink that alcohol makes her a little naughty (Whoo hoo!) and gassy. (D'oh!)
Two vodkas later, the conversation dies down. She arches her back, rubs her neck, and unbuttons the top two buttons of her blouse, showcasing the kind of cleavage that men go to war over (Whoo hoo!) and a tattoo that says Richard Marx wuz here - 1986. (D'oh!/WTF?)
More vodka. (Whoo hoo!)
Turns out she wasn't lying when she said it made her gassy. (D'oh! (seriously, man))
It also makes her clumsy as you learn when she spills her drink in your lap (D'oh!) and then insists on cleaning it up herself. (You'd think Whoo hoo!, but actually it's D'oh! She scrubs your lap like it keyed her car.)
The flight attendant notices what's going on and cuts her off. The situation quickly becomes ugly and is moments away from escalating into a full blown cat fight (Whoo hoo!), but then her inexplicably rational boyfriend wakes up and disarms the situation. (D'oh!) She passes out and that's the last real contact you have with her. (D'oh!/Who hoo!)
Upon arriving at your destination, you learn that the airline has put your luggage on the wrong flight (D'oh!), but tracked it down and will deliver it to your place tomorrow, which means you won't have to carry it home yourself. (Whoo hoo!)
On the train into the city, you're seated between a guy that smells like hangover (D'oh!) and a woman that smells like herbal tea and gingerbread. (Whoo hoo!)
You have to go back to work tomorrow (D'oh!), but the weekend's almost here. (Whoo hoo!)
It's raining today (D'oh!), but sunny tomorrow. (Whoo hoo!)
And on and on for the rest of your life.