March 13 - Dolphin Safe

"Hey!"
No answer.
"Hey!"
No answer.
"Over here!"
"Who's there?"
"Me."
"Who's me?"
"The tuna."
"Who?"
"The tuna. Right in front of you. Look straight ahead. Now down a bit. There. See the tuna moving his mouth? That's me."
The fisherman stared at the talking tuna.
"You seem confused. Probably think you're hallucinating, right? Well, you're not; however, seeing as how I'm the thing you think you're hallucinating about, I'm not in much of a position to convince you that you're not hallucinating. You see what I mean? You'll just have to take my word for it. You're not hallucinating. Scratch your forehead if you understand me."
He did.
"Good. I'll get to the point. I need you to throw me back. Wait! Don't walk away! Please, you're not crazy. Just humor me for a minute. Please!"
He stopped.
"OK, thanks. Like I said, I need you to throw me back. Look at me. I'm not that big. I'm still young and I'm still growing. Put me back and let me feed a few more months, and then come back. I'll stay in these waters and I'll remember your boat. Just give me until the summer and then I'll let you catch me. Don't worry. I won't put up a fight. By then I'll be much bigger and you'll get a much better price for me. Plus the extra time will give me a chance to put my affairs in order. Everybody wins."
"I'm leaving."
"Wait, no! Please."
"I'm not listening to you. Tuna don't talk."
"Right. So says the guy who's talking to a tuna. Listen to me: Tuna talk. I'm not the only one. Just accept it so we can move on to you getting me off this boat."
The fisherman shook his head. "Dolphins communicate with man sometimes, but they're different. They're intelligent."
"Oh, Jesus. You're one of those. I should've known."
"One of what?"
"Yes, 'dolpins are our friends and they're cute and intelligent and blah, blah, blah.' I'll bet you feel good about using dolphin safe nets, too, right? Why the hell are you people so in love with dolphins? Let me tell you something. Dolphins are assholes. Seriously, dolphins are the assholes of the sea. I've heard you call tuna chicken of the sea, whatever that means. Well dolphins are the assholes of the sea. What, you guys teach them to jump through some hoops and all of a sudden they're smart? Even though you have to use special nets so they don't get their intelligent ass bottle noses caught when you're going after us? And another th--"
THONK!!
Another fisherman had entered and slammed a sledgehammer on the tuna's head, killing it instantly.
"Whoah!"
The fisherman who'd hit the tuna was unfazed. "Hey, you're the new guy, right?"
The other fisherman didn't answer.
"Hey. New guy?"
"Yeah. I'm the new guy."
"So was this one getting chatty?"
"I--"
"Don't tell me. 'Tuna are smarter than dolphins? Dolphins can't even outsmart a tuna net?' That kind of thing, right? Don't worry. You're not going crazy. Everybody 'hears the tuna.' It's not just you."
"So, they--they really can talk?"
"Question isn't can they talk. The question is can they shut up. Most of the time the answer is no, so we have to kind of help them out sometimes."
The other fisherman didn't respond so the old timer continued speaking.
"I know what you're thinking. If tuna can talk, that must prove their intelligence, right? God, the things a tuna will say to save its life. Take it with a grain of salt, new guy. Just don't forget. Tuna ain't smart. It's the dolphins that are smart. You know it. I know it. The dolphins know it." He smacked the tuna for emphasis. "And the tuna know it, too. Come on, let's go back on deck."
The new fisherman went along with the older fisherman a bit skeptical, but eager to learn.