March 28 - The Mask

Every year, hay fever allergies beat the hell out of him and caused him to go through several boxes of tissues. But one year, he decided that rather than just throwing the snot drenched tissues away, he would hold onto them. And not just hold onto them, but recycle them. And not just recycle them, but make them into something both creative and useful: a snot and tissue paper mache mask that he would use to inoculate himself against future seasons' allergies.
It took him about two weeks to make the mask, and at the end of hay fever season he put it in storage. Then, the following year, when hay fever season was about to start, he got the mask out of storage, put it on, and slept in it, believing that the tiny doses of pollen in the mask would help his body build up its defenses, enabling him to get through hay fever season scot-free.
It didn't work. That year, even with the mask, hay fever hit him just as hard as it had the previous year.
Undeterred, he decided he needed to up the ante. Figuring that the problem was that he was using his own snot for the mask and that he was probably immune to it, he decided he would make a new mask with other people's snot. And so every opportunity he got, he went through the waste paper baskets in his office building and smuggled whatever used tissues he could find back to his house where he used them to make another mask.
But it didn't work either. If anything, his hay fever was even worse that year. And so over the following year, he developed a machine that could extract snot out of used tissues. His goal was to harvest enough of it to fill a kiddie pool, which he would then submerse himself in, believing it would give him a whole body inoculation from hay fever.
Although he wasn't able to get quite enough to fill a kiddie pool, he did get enough to fill a coffin that he bought wholesale from a friend who owned a funeral home. That year, at the onset of hay fever season, he could barely conceal his excitement as he submerged himself in the snot-filled coffin. Finally, he would defeat hay fever! He lay back in the coffin and let the sticky snot wrap itself around every inch of his arms and legs, fingers and toes. It filled his earlobes and enveloped his armpits, crotch, face, and hair. It crept up his nose and down his throat. Believing he had the ability to breathe through the snot and extract the oxygen he needed from it to survive, he didn't fight the process and let it enter his body.
But he was wrong. They found him four days later, drowned in a coffin full of snot.
The moral of the story is: Stay away from snot baths. They might just kill you.