March 22 - An Open Letter to Michael Jordan Written by the Birmingham Barons Player Who Lost His Position When Jordan Quit Basketball to Play Baseball

Let me be the first one to congratulate and welcome you to the team, Mr. Jordan. Everyone here at the Birmingham Barons is just thrilled to have you on board, and looks forward to a long and fruitful association. If we were all at a bar right now, you know what I would say? I would say, "Raise your glasses and join me in toasting the newest member to the Barons family. Here, here!"
But of course we're not at a bar, so instead let me tell you that I'm especially honored to be the man who has been called upon to sacrifice his place on the team--and along with it, his dreams of playing in the majors!--so that you can give baseball a shot.
At last, after having been stuck for the last 10 years in a tragically dead-end career in the NBA you will finally have an opportunity to pursue your lifelong dream of playing professional baseball. You'll have a chance to achieve! And isn't that what this country is all about, giving everyone a shot at glory? And that really does go for everyone, whether you're a humble high school dropout from rural Georgia (hi!) or a multimillionaire, perennial NBA all-star, scoring champ, Finals MVP and member of three NBA Championship teams, two Olympic Gold Medal winning teams, and a collegiate National Championship winning team. No matter who you are, everyone deserves a shot, Mr. Jordan. I'm just glad that now that you've finally put that ignominious basketball nonsense behind you, you'll finally get yours.
Please don't worry about me. My cousin back in Flatsborough told me he could get me some hours at the Chevron station. I'll be fine. Besides, I've been playing single A ball for going on four months now. If I haven't made it by now, I obviously wasn't ever going to make it anyway. And so I readily relinquish my position to you, Mr. Jordan, in the hopes that you can soar higher in professional baseball than I ever could have. Mr. Jordan--His Airness--I wish you God speed and the best of luck in the pursuit of your dream.
Fuckin' dick.