December 24 - Figgy Pudding

I'll get the door, dear.
Oh, look at that, would you? A troupe of Christmas well wishers! How perfectly delightful.
And what's this? They're singing?! Well, would you look at that!
Darling, can you hear them in there? They're wishing us a merry Christmas and a happy new year. Lovely, really. Top notch!
Oh, what's that? Another verse? Why, how wonderful!
And how deliciously offbeat this verse is! Darling, can you imagine? It seems they would like some figgy pudding! What a delightfully unusual thing to ask for!
Say, darling! Do we happen to have any figgy pudding? No? Ha ha, of course not!
Terribly sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but I'm afraid you'll have to go without your figgy pudding tonight. Ha ha. A thousand pardons. Ha ha. Yes, well, good night then!
Oh, I'm sorry. Not done yet? Another verse? Why, let's have it then.
What's that you say? You won't go until you get some? Why, of all the things to say! Surely you can't mean that.
Can you?
I truly am sorry, but I'm afraid we don't have any figgy pudding at the moment. It's not something we tend to keep around the house, you know.
Ha ha.
Well . . . It was wonderful of you to stop by.
We really enjoyed your holiday spirit. You must come again next year!
Ha ha.
OK, I'm closing the door now.
Good night.
Merry Christmas.
What's that? More singing?
Another verse?
What's that you say? You'll come back when we're sleeping? And break down our door? By God, I would say that's taking things too far, even for a joke.
Good night!
I said good night!
Bloody hell, another verse?
You'll what? You'll take our lovely daughters? And sell them abroad?
By God, have you taken leave of your senses? I am calling the police this instant! Darling, do call the police! Yes, do it now! Do it at once!
Dear Lord, more singing?
And then you'll burn our house down? And piss on our bones?
Is this really just because we don't have figgy pudding to give you? How can I make you understand this? We don't have any! Please believe us. If we had some we would surely give it to you. Please, just leave us alone!
Oh God, another verse.
What's that you say?
You were just messing with us? It was all a big joke?
Oh.
Oh, I see.
You were just taking the piss then, were you?
Very well, then. Good show.
Yes, ha ha. Very good indeed.
OK then. Merry Christmas to you too. And yes, a happy new year as well.
Good night, then.
Fucking carolers.