December 18 - Desperate Express

Sorry, but I still don't get it.
It's called Desperate Express, OK?
OK. Ridiculous name, but OK.
It's a play off of FedEx.
No, I get that.
OK, but do you remember when FedEx was Federal Express and their tag line was 'when it absolutely positively has to be there overnight'?
Kind of. So?
So, Desperate Express is for situations when that's not good enough. Like, if you had something that had to be on the other side of the country in three hours, what would you do?
Email it. Fax it.
OK, but what if it was a small package?
I would contact you and Desperate Express it.
Yes, but hopefully you would do it without the condescension.
That's unlikely.
Well anyway, I would go to your place, make the pick-up, get the address, and fly there with your package.
Yeah, that's the part I don't get.
What don't you get? It's a delivery service. What is there not to get?
No, I get that. But it's like, dude, you can fly! Like, really. You can fly. You have a super power. If you wanted to, you could fly to New York. Right now.
Yeah. I know. So?
So, why are you dicking around with a delivery service when you can fly? You could do anything!
Like what?
I don't know. Fight crime?
How am I supposed to fight crime?
Hello? Dude, you can fly!
Yeah, but that's all I can do. It's not like I have super strength or anything. I'm not bulletproof. I can't fight. I mean, yeah, it's great that I can fly, but all that's gonna happen is I'm gonna fly to the scene of a crime and then get my ass kicked. Besides, how the hell am I supposed to even find this crime? Just like, fly around and hope that I happen to see someone getting mugged? I don't have super vision, so I'd have to fly pretty close to the ground, and every time I do that it freaks people out.
Yeah, but still.
Still what? Why does everyone tell me I should fight crime? 'Hey, he flies! He should fight crime!' What kind of bullshit is that? Shit, YOU fight crime if it's that big a deal to you. Plus, even if I did fight crime, I'd still have to make money somehow. I'm not independently wealthy. I don't have my own mansion with a secret lair in the basement. I'm just a dude who can fly for some reason.
OK yeah, but a delivery service? That's so--I don't know, mundane. Why don't you give people rides or something?
Give people rides?
Well, I don't know. Why not?
Because they're too heavy. I already told you I don't have super strength.
By the way, I love that it's 'super strength.' Like that's an actual thing people have.
Yeah, I guess. But either way, I don't have it. I've tried carrying people before, though. And they get really heavy really fast. Plus they always freak out and squirm and I really don't want to drop someone.
OK, so then you've got Desperate Express. By the way, you gotta find a better name than Desperate Express. I mean it sounds like they would have to be totally desperate to use you.
Well, that's kind of the point.
Yeah, but it sounds too negative. Just saying. So what, do you charge by weight?
Yeah, and distance, time, etc.
Got a website?
Desperateexpress.com.
Sounds porny.
Kind of, but whatever.
Navigation? How do you find your way?
I'm actually not sure about that yet. I'm guessing iPhone must have some sort of app.
Catch phrase?
Desperate times call for Desperate Express?
Horrible.
OK, you tell me.
How about, 'Don't let the fact that I'm wasting the most amazing superpower ever by using it to power a nationwide delivery service deter you from hiring me. Instead, pay me a lot of money to carry your small packages long distances in a short amount of time because somehow I was born with the ability to do just that and I will use this amazing ability in that way instead of doing something infinitely cooler with it.' I dunno, it's a bit clunky, but I think it works.
(Shrugs)
Has it gotten you laid yet?
(Uncertain look)
Flying, that is. Has being able to fly gotten you laid yet?
(Looks down).
Pathetic.