December 22 - Father Christmas

Since I'm the primary bread winner of my family, I would say that puts me in charge of things around here and that includes Christmas. And as this will be our first Christmas together as a family, I'm going to establish some new rules about how Christmas is celebrated around here. I don't expect anyone to make a fuss about any of them, especially since our daughter Maya is nowhere near talking, but still. I wanted to get these ideas down and on the record.
Ready? Great.

First off, screw it. There's no Santa Claus.

What, like I'm going to haul my ass all over the Internet trying to find the right(ish) gifts for our daughter, pay for them with my hard(ish) earned money, and then give all the credit to some fictitious fat bastard? Think again.

Look. I'm not forgoing the giving of presents. Well actually, maybe this year I am. Our daughter is less than a month old, so the concept of 'want' hasn't really set in yet. Things are still (blessedly) primal at this point, and years from now I have every intention of looking back wistfully on this time and thinking about how good we had it before our daughter was able to articulate her need for ever overpriced/worthless piece of plastic on the planet. So as a gesture to my future self, I'll be going easy on the gift buying this year.

But yeah, in the future: presents? Absolutely. Maya will not be wanting when it comes to presents, toys, etc. She'll just know they're from us. And not in any sort of dickish earn this kind of way. Just more in the not giving credit to someone else kind of way.

Next up, Christmas music.

I'm all for it, but not the following songs (some of which I've been clear about my disdain for in the past, but they're still around, so I'm going to complain about them still being around and I'm going to keep on doing so until they're not around anymore):

Last Christmas by Wham because it is not a Christmas song. And also because it sucks.

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney. Really, Paul? You're simply having a wonderful Christmas time? Well, I'm not. And I blame you and your shitty early 80s Casio synthesizer for it.

So This is Christmas (War is Over) by John Lennon. Sorry, John, but the war is not over and it never will be and I know that that fact should make this song all the more poignant but it doesn't. This song is pretentious dreck of the highest magnitude, and it needs to piss the hell off.

The Celine Dion Christmas Album. I assume she has one, and I assume I hate it.

The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't be Late) by the Chipmunks. Is it just me or does this song always make you picture a fat drunk man in his underwear and a Santa hat sipping cherry brandy in a dark, cold, empty kitchen, gazing longingly at a bottle of sleeping pills through teary eyes of regret and hating himself because he doesn't have the balls to just take the next step and get it all over with? Really? It's just me?

Everything else we'll look at on a case by case basis.
Next, Christmas specials.

We will watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer at least once while baking cookies. And Maya will be enchanted by it.

We will also watch the Charlie Brown Christmas Special because I want Maya to have a soul, and watching this uncannily melancholy classic will be a step in the right direction.

At some point in the holiday season, we will enjoy a double feature of Lethal Weapon and Die Hard, because they are two of the finest Christmas movies around and also because nothing says Happy Holidays quite like mid-80s Gary Busey yelling, "It's Goddamn Christmas!" at the Scrooge on the TV before blowing it to smithereens with a machine gun.

Finally, food.
Turkey, not ham on Christmas. Unless we're in Japan, in which case it's KFC.
No, really.