December 10 - Uncle Fucky Part II

"How old are you now, 14?"
"Twelve."
"You're just 12? Man, that's too bad. Because what I've got to give you you probably can't handle it unless you're at least 14. So let me ask you again. You're 14, right?"
"Nope," the boy chirped.
The man made a big show of putting his head down and exhaling in disappointment. "Listen, partner. Trying to do you a favor here, but you gotta meet me halfway, OK? Now, I've got something I think you're gonna be interested in, but I think it's probably something you can only handle if you're old enough. So what do you think, little man? Do you think you're old enough?"
The boy shrugged, and the man rubbed his eyes.
"OK," the man started. "Repeat after me. 'Yes, Uncle Fucky. I'm 14 years old.'"
"But I'm--"
"Just say it, little man."
"OK."
"Well? . . . . Go on."
"Yes, Uncle Fucky. I'm 14 years old."
"There. That wasn't so hard, was it?"
The boy shrugged again.
"OK," Uncle Fucky said. "So I'm here to talk to you because my sister--your mom--wanted me to. This should be your dad's job, but he's not around anymore. And it should also be 'Steve's' job, but he's MIA, too, surprise surprise. So now the duty has fallen to me. Now, you know what it is that we're supposed to talk about, don't you?"
The boy shrugged.
"We're supposed to have THE TALK. Duh duh duh!" He said the last part like dramatic music.
No response.
"Um," Uncle Fucky leaned in exaggeratedly, and used his hand to shield his mouth from the rest of the empty room. "I'm talking about sex, little man."
The boy looked at him blankly.
"So anyway, I got something for you." He handed his nephew a videotape.
"Know what that is?"
The boy shrugged.
"That, little man, is the fruits of I don't even know how many hours of dubbing and editing and copying and rewinding and fast forwarding with not one, but two VCRs. That is Phoebe Cates in Fast Times, Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places, Bevery D'Angelo in Vacation, and tons of chicks in Hardbodies, the Porky's trilogy, Revenge of the Nerds, Private Resort, Spring Break, you name it. What you are holding in your hands is more than one hour and 20 minutes of the nude scenes from the best titty movies--pardon my French--of the 80s. Proceed with caution, little man. Proceed with caution."
The boy looked at the videotape dubiously.
"See," Uncle Fucky continued. "I figure this is a good place to start your education." He did a Yoda impersonation that the boy didn't understand. "Use this to learn about the birds and bees you will."
When the boy didn't respond, Uncle Fucky went on. "Anyway, if you like what you see here--and I think you will--we can go on to the 'next step' a bit later."
The boy looked at the tape again.
"And then if you have any questions, you can . . . you know . . . "
They looked at each other for a second and then the boy looked away.
"You do realize what I've given you, don't you?"
The boy shrugged.
"Dude, when I was your age, me and my friends--we would have killed for a tape like that. It's like the Holy Grail of nude scenes. Do you get that at all? I mean, do you have any idea how epic this is?"
The boy shrugged again.
"Here, just," Uncle Fucky reached his hand out.
"Give it. Put it in and watch a few minutes. You'll see."
"We don't really have a VCR."
"What?"
"We used to, but it broke a long time ago."
"You serious? What do you guys watch movies with?"
"Sometimes we watch DVDs. Sometimes we watch stuff on the Internet."
"But how are you supposed to watch this?"
He shrugged. "I don't know, but you can probably find most of that stuff online anyway."
"What?"
"Here, look."
The boy sat down in front of the laptop, moved the mouse around, and woke the computer out of sleep mode.
"OK, so what was it you were telling me about that's on this tape?"
"Phoebe Cates," Uncle Fucky said immediately.
"OK." The boy started typing.
"No," Uncle Fucky said. "It's spelled P-H-O-" He thought for a second. "E-B-E. Here, let me see. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, Cates. With a C."
A few seconds later they were watching a clip from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
"Holy," Uncle Fucky said. "Oh my G--Here, move over."
The boy scooted over and Uncle Fucky sat down in front of the computer and started doing searches for other nude scenes from his heyday, sitting in front of the screen for close to 30 minutes, during which time he said little more than 'Oh my God,' 'You've got to be kidding me' and 'This is just here?' again and again.
When they were finished he could barely look at his nephew.
"Do you have any idea how easy you've got it?"
His nephew didn't say anything.
"When I was your age, if we wanted to see titties, we had to stay up and hope Skinemax had something good. And if they didn't, well, too bad. If it was like, 'The following movie is rated R for violence and profanity,' well you were just SOL. Or maybe you could try to rent Hardbodies or something, but if your mom went with you into the store, there was no way you were gonna be allowed to leave with that. I mean, they couldn't have made the covers more obvious. But you? Shit, man. You just type some shit and--boom!--there it is. Like, that's just--I don't even know what to say. Do you have any idea how much easier you've got it than we did when I was your age?"
He shrugged again.
"Man." Uncle Fucky patted his nephew on the knee. "You live in a golden age. I hope you appreciate that some day."
And then Uncle Fucky picked up his videotape and went to the kitchen to get a beer.