December 11 - Inner Monologue of a Penis on a Saturday Night

Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Are you serious? Did you really get HER back to your place?
Dude: Fuck. And yes.
This is too much. All our lives, we've dreamt about a night like this and now it looks like it might actually happen. I mean, look at her.
No, really: LOOK AT HER. She's insane. Those eyes, that hair, those lips, that--Wait.
Oh my God.
Oh. My. God.
She is going to your bedroom.
Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
This is happening. This is really happening.
Would you LOOK at that body?! Yes. Oh my God, yes. This is it. This is what we practiced for all those nights. This is going to be amazing.
She's taking off her dress.
And her, oh dear lord, her bra.
And . . . oh my.
She is naked.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Put me in coach; I'm ready to play.
Seriously, man. Let's do this. Let's do this right now.
No, no. I said NOW! Let's go!
What are you waiting for? Hurry the hell up! I'm ready. What are you doing?
Really? A condom? Come on, we don't need that. Let's go!
OK, fine. But hurry. Open it up so we can get on with this. Open it already! Jesus.
Oh for crying out loud, get some scissors, use your teeth, do something, just hurry up!
OK, there.
Yeah, that's it. Just roll it on over me. Just a little bit more. OK, almost there. And . . .
Good.
Very good.
And . . . Actually, no.
No, I can't. This isn't right. I can't let you go through with this.
No.
Not tonight.
Sorry, but I've made up my mind. Not tonight.
Look, I don't care how much you jab me against her, I'm not changing my mind. I'm not going to let this happen.
The moment's all wrong. Don't try to talk me out of it. And for God's sake, stop pulling on me. You look pathetic. It's not happening, and that's it. Not tonight.
Oh my God, did you really just tell her you wanted to wait until you got to know each other better? Yeah, I'm sure she believes that. After all, what guy doesn't suddenly decide he doesn't want sex when it's staring him straight in the face?
And . . . No, as it turns out she doesn't believe you. Surprise, surprise.
And now she's getting dressed, not looking too happy either.
And I know you're probably going to blame me and maybe you should, but I don't care.
So I changed my mind. So what? So I do that sometimes.
So I also jump the gun sometimes.
So I also used to embarrass the hell out of you every chance I got back when we were in middle school.
So all of those things and a whole lot more.
What do you want me to tell you? It's my nature to do those things to you. What can I tell you? I'm a dick.