June 1 - I'm So Vain

I'm just going to come out and ask you: It's about me, right? You can tell me.
Oh, what am I talking about? Of freaking course it's about me unless somehow you've been involved with somebody else who had a horse that won in Saratoga and then shortly thereafter took his Lear jet up to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the freaking sun. I mean, if there is another person who did those things, give me his email. I'm sure we would get along.
But there's not. The song's about me. By the way, here's a quick piece of advice: If you're looking for a way to get back at someone who's a self-absorbed tool, making him the subject of your biggest hit probably ain't it. It's like, yeah, you really showed me. I somehow feel less vain now. And the "I'll bet you think this song is about you" line is especially clever. It's like, if I think I'm the guy who the song is about then I automatically prove your point and you win. Or something.
Sorry. I didn't want to be an asshole this time around. I just wanted to give you my side of the story, for what it's worth. Oh, Carly. What can I tell you? It was a long time ago and we were different people then and I never meant to hurt you and all the other things you're supposed to say when you don't call somebody back. Yeah, I'll admit it. I was a dick. I should have been more mature about our little fling. All I can say in my defense is that it was the 70s. That's what we did back then. I figured you were part of that whole vibe since you partied with that crowd, but maybe (obviously?) you were looking for something more serious. I guess you were a little more emotionally attached to me than I was to you. Is that true? Or am I being so vain again?
But while I'm asking questions, here's another one: What on earth was all that crap about having dreams that were clouds in your coffee? What the fuck does that even mean? Is that supposed to make me feel bad? Because it doesn't. There was no freaking way I wanted some broad with clouds in her coffee back then. I was too busy looking for, I don't know, a chick that had coke in her bedroom (See also: It was the 70s) What, like the guy that every girl wanted as her partner (according to you) was really going to go after the chick with clouds in her coffee? God, you were naive, weren't you?
Oh, and by the way, my scarf it was salmon, not apricot.
The one thing that did kind of throw me off was when you were talking about me being with the wife of a close friend. And no, I'm not denying it (Once again, I plead the 70s). It's just that the first several times I heard it I really thought you were saying "wife of the postman" and I was like, Jesus. I didn't think anybody knew about that one.
But yeah, whatever. Message received. And knowing that the song is about me is not vain. It just means I know the song is about me. It isn't vanity if it's true.
But one final thing: I totally dug that James Bond theme you did, Nobody Does It Better. Great tune, Carly. And I'm pretty sure that song is about me too, isn't it? Or am I just putting clouds in my coffee again?