Is it really that much to ask? Is it? All I want out of this world--all I want--is to have a cup of coffee and read the new Sport's Guy column in peace. Seriously, that's it. Just this one thing.
I work hard. I take care of this family. I never complain about anything. Could I please just have this one thing? Could I? Just five minutes. That's all it'll take. Five minutes for me to read today's Sport's Guy, have this coffee, and maybe--maybe? possibly?--eat a damn donut in peace for once in my life.
I'm not asking for riches. Not asking for fame, fortune, any of that other crap. I just want a few minutes where everyone leaves me alone so I can read my favorite sports columnist. What on earth is so hard to comprehend about that? It's simple. Every so often, a man needs a few minutes of his own to get his fix of sport commentary mixed with pop culture references he can understand. He needs coffee. He needs donuts. And after a long week busting his ass at the office and at home, he needs to soak his barking dogs in that bubbling foot bath he got from Sharper Image. It's not rocket surgery, people. It's just basic decency. I don't ask for much. But can I just have this?
Why in the hell does this always have to be such a monumental undertaking? Is there anything I don't do for this family? The ratio of what I do and what I ask is freaking ridiculous. If I'm being conservative, I'd put it at 1,000 : .05.
I'm not asking for anything other than a bit of me time. Just me, the Sports Guy, coffee, donuts, my Sharper Image foot bath, and a few extra minutes to put the final touches on my oh so close to being finished Navy F14 Tomcat model airplane--only the baddest assest, best reviewed fully licensed military hardware replica ever produced. Perfect--perfect!--in every way but one: It can't assemble itself. Damn thing's been sitting on my bookshelves--taunting me!--for more than three years. Could I please, for the love of God and all things holy, could I please just have 20 minutes on my own to finish putting it together?
Thank you.
And then when I'm done, I promise I'll help you take your mother to the hospital.
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