May 11 - The Email

New Office Regulations
From: George Peterson (Gpeterson@lipman.com)
Sent: Tues 5/11/10 1:49 AM
To: All employees

In an effort to boost worker morale, management has decided to institute the following changes in workplace regulations, effective immediately:

1. The 40-hour work week shall be phased out gradually over the coming month and replaced with a two-day work week. Actually, screw that. From now on, the work week will start on Tuesday and end on Wednesday. Of course, management realizes you have already worked Monday of this week, so go ahead and take this Wednesday off and we'll start the new schedule next Tuesday, which means today (Tuesday) is like Friday, but only this week. Does that make sense? Great, great.
2. Beginning next week, we're having casual Wednesdays every week. Wait. Should I capitalize Casual Wednesdays? Who cares? Point is, let's really push the boundaries on this, OK? None of this namby pamby "office casual" Dockers and oxfords bum fuckery. No. Let's really let it all hang out. I'm talking shorts, t-shirts, flops, halter tops, the whole works. (P.S. I'm just kidding on the halter tops.)
(P.P.S. But not really.)
3. After lunch, consider this office a booze friendly environment! Seriously, gang. You're here 16 hours a week. Take a load off, for God's sake. Life's too short.
4. Enough of this smooth jazz bullshit. Effective immediately, management is tuning the office's radio in to 94.1 WYSP, Philly's Home of Classic Rock.
And then we're breaking the knob off the fucking radio.
Also, if anybody gets them to play Slow Ride during the all-request lunch hour, that person gets the rest of the day off. Seriously.
5. We've talked about this long enough and I'm tired of excuses: I want Baggo set up in the parking lot today.
6. Four words: Hawaiian Shirt Gonzo Wednesday.
7. Say goodbye to weekly staff meetings. Say hello to youtube and Krispy Kreme. My office. Every Tuesday.
8. The last Wednesday of the month will be "Bring Your (whatever) to Work Day." I'll take your suggestions for future themes, but this month's is going to be, "Bring Your Ex-wife to Work Day." (I'm looking at you, Henderson from accounting.)
9. Middle-management no longer needs to CC me on every Goddamn interoffice email. Seriously.
10. Pets in the work place? I say: Why the fuck not?

George out!


Re: New Office Regulations
From: George Peterson (Gpeterson@lipman.com)
Sent: Tues 5/11/10 9:05 AM
To: All employees

Please disregard the email I sent last night outlining new office regulations. I regret any confusion or personal offense it caused anyone, especially Henderson from accounting.

Sincerely,

George Peterson