February 21 - Inner Monologue of a Beagle on a Rainy Afternoon

Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?
I am! I am! Oh, yes I am! Yes I am!
Yes, yes, yes! Scratch my belly. Oh sweet Jesus, scratch my belly! Yes, right there. Right there. You've got it. Oh God. Woman, you are a miracle worker. Don't ever stop. Don't you dare ever stop.
Wait!
What?
Squeaky toy! Oh God, and it's the hamburger!
Oh! My! God! And it's right there. Give it to me! Give it to me! If I don't get that squeaky toy in my mouth five seconds ago, my little beagle heart is going to explode!
Stop teasing me with it. You don't need it.
I do!
HA! She threw it!
Yeah, I got it! I got it!
Sure, here you go.
Crap! Why do I always do that? Work my ass off for that toy and then I can't wait to give it back to her.
Oh, that squeaking. You have no idea what that does to me. God, I swear if I ever get it again, I swear I'll hold onto it forever.
Wait.
There's that new word. She just used it again. New something.
What?
Coats?
Where's everybody going? I'll go! Count me in! I wanna go, I wanna go, I wanna go!
Oh no! No! No! Not the raincoat! No, you idiot! Don't put that raincoat on me. I'm a dog! My fur is made to repel water. All that stupid raincoat does is get in my way.
Plus it makes me look like a total douche!
I wanna go! I wanna go!
Take me, take me!
No coat. No coat! And there's that new word again. I can almost catch it.
What? No, I do not loving wearing that coat. Don't mistake my jumping for wanting to wear the coat. I'm a freaking beagle. I can't help it. Jumping is what we do. Whenever you go to the door or give me any attention or--especially--do anything remotely involving food, it sets me off. I have no control over it. Can't you understand that? I just react. I just--
Squeaky toy! Yes!
Damn it, I fell for it again. Now I'm wearing that ridiculous coat.
She just used that word again. It sounds like--
Whoah! I can go! I can go! I can go!
A ride in the car! I hope they open the windows!
I wonder what "neuter" means.