September 14 - Pillow Man

Have you ever seen your husband playing with one of those full length body pillows? I have.
And by playing with I think you know what I mean: doinking, or I should say pretending to doink.
Usually what happens is we'll be reading in bed and I'll get up to brush my teeth, and then he'll pull down his pants, shove my old pregnancy pillow between his legs and start going at it.
Just humping away.
He doesn't have an erection, mind you. At least not usually. And I can't for the life of me decide if that's a good thing or not. I guess either way it's probably pretty bad.
As is his facial expression. Sometimes he'll get this total "Oh, yeah!" guitar solo face. But then other times he'll get this completely blank expression like he's transcribing a deposition or something. Just staring at me, his face totally neutral, while he's having his way with my pregnancy pillow.
I used to ask him what he was doing but he never answered me. He would just turn the pillow over and do it from behind so his back was to me. And then any time I was like, "freak," he would turn around and flash the devil's horns and flick his tongue at me like he was Gene Simmons. Other times he would just stare at me, and that was definitely weirder. There he'd be, going to town on my body pillow and just looking at me, no expression at all--usually with his reading glasses on. His reading glasses and nothing else.
Whatever.
I'll come back from brushing my teeth and by then he'll be spread out on the bed pretending to get fellated by the pillow. Or he'll have the pillow in the 69 position or whatever.
Anyway, he's usually good at giving it to me when I get back from the bathroom. By 'it' I mean the pillow, not, well, you know. He hasn't given that to me in I can't remember how long, and if you want the truth that's fine with me. And as long as he gets a few minutes of quality time with that pillow, it seems to be fine with him, too.
Marriage, huh? You tell me.