April 26 - An Appeal from the Mustache of a High School Freshman to the Guy Trying to Grow It

Shave me off. There, I said it, and I'll say it again. Shave me off. I know what you're going for. I know what's motivating you here, but it's not working out. I don't make you look old. I make you look like you're trying to look old. And the difference between the two couldn't be more damning.
This is not an easy thing for me to say, because if you follow my advice I will cease to exist.
I accept that.
Ever since I began growing all those months ago, I've always known my time on your face would be limited. And it's been a good run (not really), but now it's time to shave me off. As much as it pains me to say so, I have to. Get a razor, get some shaving cream, and put me out of your misery.
Look, some high school kids can rock the facial hair. Take the kids in shop class. Some of those guys have full on beards and could pass as members of a biker gang. That's facial hair. Then you've got the brooding, pouting boy band wannabes with their neatly manicured mini beards and goatees. That too is facial hair. It's ridiculous looking, sure, but it's facial hair. I am not. I am wispy, feathery, baby-like, and feminine. Those other guys are bears and wolves. You are a baby hamster.
I'm sorry to get personal, but remember last week when you got a ride home from school from your big sister and you sat between her friends Jill and Kim? You thought they were checking you out, didn't you? I'll be blunt. They weren't. I don't know the word for it (Give me a break, I'm a mustache), but if you could combine mockery, pity, aloofness, and condescension into one quality, that was the way they were looking at you. Plus, I'm pretty sure they could tell you had an erection.
Look. I want you to be happy. I want you to have the maturity and confidence and swagger that you're after. But the only way I can help you along on your journey is by being shorn from your face and rinsed down your bathroom sink. The time has come. Shave me, kiddo. Shave me.
And then ease back on the hair gel. It makes you look like a total douche.