April 21 - Too Sexy

Let's just come right out and dispense with the obvious: I'm too sexy. Like, I'm so sexy it's a bad thing. I'm excessively sexy. You might even say I'm exsexy, only if you did people would roll their eyes. But if I say it? Off come the panties. Seriously. And it wouldn't be the first time this morning.
Check it out: You know how People has the Sexiest Man Alive issue every year, and it's usually Brad Pitt or George Clooney or Johnny Depp or somebody like that? Have you ever noticed there's a tiny asterisk that comes right after the word 'Alive'? Well, if you look down at the bottom of the cover, next to the asterisk it says, "Sexiest Man Alive After You Know Who." By which they mean me.
Look: Being sexy is my business, and let me tell you kiddies something: Business is good. You thought I was going to say something cleverer than that, didn't you? Hey, I never said I was clever. Just sexy. And everybody who's ever seen me--especially when my hair is wet--would agree that that's more than enough.
Dude, this one time? Your man Forrest Gump said to me, "Sexy is as sexy does." Won't lie to you: I didn't know what the fuck the man meant, but I wasn't mean about it because I'm more than just sexy. I'm nice, too. That's why I was all, "Well said, my man." And I patted him on the back. And then I was like, "Now why don't ya'll run out and buy us a box of chocolates."
And he did, and it wasn't just because I asked nicely. It was also because I'm so sexy.
Seriously, if being sexy were a crime? They'd change the laws because I'm just too sexy to keep locked up.
Dig: A couple weeks ago, I found this enchanted mirror and I was like, "Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the sexiest of them all?" And the mirror was all, "Instead of asking stupid questions, how about you just park your carved out of marble ass down right there and read a book or something so I can admire you for hours, you indescribably sexy hunk of sexiness."
You see, I'm like a superhero whose super power is raw, 100 proof, unalloyed sexitude. And as all superhero movies are quick to point out, with great power comes great responsibility. And I would be quick to agree with them if I weren't already so damned busy dealing with lingerie models and the like.
The thing is, I've actually tried to desexify myself, but nothing ever works.
I put on 30 pounds: Women called me the Sexy Teddy Bear.
Stopped brushing my teeth: They called it swarthy.
Shaved the top of my head and gave myself a comb over: The comb over became the new black.
Just trust me on this one, OK? A leopard can't change its spots. And I can't not be sexy.
Peace out.