2016 New Year's Resolutions (Star Wars Edition)

• This year I will stop telling people, "I'll be back in a parsec!"
• I will stop loudly asking the people next to me, "Which one's Spock?" during screenings of The Force Awakens.
• When the movie's over, I will no longer talk really loudly about key plot points when leaving the theater and walking past people waiting for the next showing.
• This year I will stop meowing the Star Wars Theme in the office while everyone else is trying to work.
• I resolve to stop humming The Imperial March on my way down the hall to drop a deuce.
• I will stop saying, "Well, it looks like Han shot first again!" whenever I prematurely ejaculate.
• I will stop sending George Lucas hate mail addressed from Jar Jar Stinks.
• I will stop yelling out, "Star Wars? More like Star Bores!" during the slow parts.
• Any time someone shares a good idea during a meeting, I will refrain from cocking my eyebrow, tapping the shoulder of the person next to me, and saying, "The Force is strong with that one, eh?"
• I will also stop saying, "Careful. The Force is strong with this one" whenever I let loose with a really smelly fart.
• I will find a way to not be so goddamned turned on by the fact that Chewbacca goes through life completely nude other than an ammunition belt.
• I will stop blurting out, "That's Luke's father!" every time Darth Vader is on screen.
• I will start an intergalactic country/western band and call it Garth Vader. If that name is already taken, I will call it Darth Brooks. And if that name is already taken, I will call it Ruth Vader and the GinsBrooks. And if that name is taken, I will call it Greedo in a Speedo. And if that name is taken, I will give up because seriously, who needs that shit?
• This year I will finally forgive Lando for being such a traitorous dick on Cloud City.
• I will stop making land cruiser sounds when I'm walking quickly through a crowd.
• I will refrain from showing people my drawings of what I think Jabba the Hutt's junk looks like.
• I will stop sarcastically talking like C3PO whenever I meet someone who seems smart.
• Talking like Yoda I will also stop.
• This year I will get a bunch of young Atlanta football players together, make a new team, and call them the Millennial Falcons.
• I will stop bellowing like a goddamn tan-tan every time my team loses.
• I will stop putting on a Darth Vader mask, waking up my daughter in the middle of the night, and hissing, "I AM YOUR FATHER."
• I will find a way to refer to the "first Star Wars" and have everyone know which one I'm talking about.