New Year's Resolutions for 2012

1. I resolve to stop yelling, "WHOO!" whenever I'm at a concert and the lead singer asks the crowd how they're doing.

2. No more Viagra jokes every time someone mentions The Dark Knight Rises.

3. This year I'm finally going to return Olivia Newton John's calls and take her up on her invitation to get physical.

4. I will stop feeling like I'm sticking it to The Man whenever I preview tracks on iTunes that are already less than 30 seconds long, even though I'm totally listening to the whole song for free, man!

5. As the CEO of Bozorotica Entertainment, I vow to put out nothing but the finest in clown porn guaranteed to tickle your other funny bone.

6. I resolve to stop whistling Taps every time I lose my erection.

7. I will stop telling my friend Daryl his border collie is a DILF even though she totally is.

8. This year I will finish the screenplay for my East meets West, Eddie Murphy/J-pop mash-up, AKB48 Hours.

9. At some point this year I will show up to a party and announce to everyone that I came to do two things: kick ass and chew bubblegum, but then keep it to myself that I brought more than enough bubblegum with me.

10. I will stop dressing up like Frosty and asking attractive women if they know where the snow blower is.

11. The sun will not go down on Elton John this year. Not on my watch.

12. This 4th of July I will go to town with the sole purpose of riding a pony. I will then stick a feather in my cap, call it cheese, and get rude with anyone who tries to correct me.

13. I will go to Hollywood, follow Al Pacino into a restroom, drop my pants and ask him to say hello to my little friend.

14. I resolve to stop crashing Occupy Wall Street events, seeking out hot alterna-chicks and asking them if they want to go back to mine and occupy ball street for a couple of hours.

15. No more saying, "Daddy like!" every time I see an attractive woman, delicious dessert, or sweet ride.

16. I resolve to stop forcing Good Will Hunting-esque, "It's not your fault" breakthroughs on strangers at the DMV.

17. This year I will figure out once and for all what the hell Goofy is.

18. I will start a Neko Case/Justin Bieber tribute band and call it Justin Case.

19. I will start a Johnny Cash/Tom Petty tribute band and call it Petty Cash.

20. I will tell anyone who asks me how to get to Sesame Street.

21. I will win decisively by drinking tiger blood with Charlie Sheen during Shark Week.

22. I will stop trying to make my wife refer to my penis as Shiva the Destroyer.

23. I resolve to stop using so many exclamation points!!!! Seriously, I mean it! No, really! OK, last one! Just kidding! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

24. I promise to put an end to my practice of dialing old girlfriends and hanging up, and then when they call back insisting that my infant daughter had gotten ahold of my cell phone and started punching random buttons and sorry about that, ha, ha, but, um, how you doing?

25. I resolve to stop dressing up like a pirate and introducing myself as Capn Assgrab in search of ye bountiful booty.

26. I will finally launch Tats for Tots, my body art emporium for toddlers.

27. No more getting medieval on people's asses. This year, I resolve to get Renaissance on them.